So I was reading an article online about a woman who was 300lbs. She had weight loss surgery and lost 180lbs. Wooohooo for her right? Well, apparently not.
She had went on to talk about how her doctor had made her angry because he asked if she was excited to fit down the air plane aisle etc. She wasn't necessarily angry that he said it but more angry that they both had bought into the idea that skinny=, happy, =better life, = magic pill to cure all self image issues.
Well, after her surgery and all the weight loss she still hated her body. She was still unhappy with who she was. She had said at one point she was down to a size 2 and was disappointed that she wasn't a 0.
This got me to thinking. My initial reaction was to pity her and feel sad that she wasnt comfortable with who she was. Then I realized, I was never actually comfortable with my body either. It was either my boobs are too big, my stomach too flabby, my thighs touch, Im too short and the list goes on.
Now those of you who know me, know that the only time I ever got above 115lbs was while I was pregnant with my son. And trust me folks, I got big. I gained like 60lbs and little EZ was only 6lbs 1oz when he came out. I had pre-eclampisa, but we didn't know, and EZ showed up 3 weeks early, tiny as can be. I lost all that weight pretty quickly. It took less than a year for me to be back down to pre-baby weight. But, with all of that my self image had altered. But not in a magical, because I'm a mom, I love everything EZ did to my body, it was all worth it, load of crap I hear a lot of women spew. If you feel this way then PLEASE give me your secret because to be honest, I hate this body more than ever.
My boobs are sad, my thighs have stretch marks, I have the kanga pooch because of all my extra skin, I'm even hairy then before, and the ever haunting vag being stretched insecurities. Before you get on me saying oh you're beautiful and shame on you for feeling this way etc. Let me just say I know I'm crazy but I cant help it.
On a "heavy" day I tip the scale at 112. So why then am I so unhappy with my body? My husband trys hard to support me. I say I want to work out he trys to push me to do so, but my brain says "he must be unhappy with the way you look, quick comfort yourself with a Oreo."
Im working on who I am on the inside and hopefully it will translate to the outside. I will be happy one day with who I am, inside and out. Stretch marks, saggy boobs and all. But as of right now I'm not there. And I think I'm okay with that. New prayer: God, help me see myself as you see me and help me not be so dang vain that I think every song is about me. Amen.
